I REALLY hate it when bloggers start off posts with “wow, it’s been so long since I’ve put anything in here but don’t worry I’m back ahahah!” as if everyone has just been devastated in their absence.
So I’m not doing that. You all have lives, you’ve been fine without me. All 25 of you.
Today’s special topic: cell phones.
Cell phones actually have a lot that could be said about them, what with the slutty scandalous lives they lead, but right now I’m going to behave like a news network and focus on DANGER.
I feel like the media tries to tell me about the danger of cell phones at least 5 times a day, which gets really obnoxious when I’m trying to take a call.
Cell phones distract you from the road. That’s pretty true.
Cell phones cause cancer. Could be, although it always seems to me like those news stories end up translating to “yeah, cell phones cause cancer when you hold them close to you for long periods of time.”
After I saw that story, I decided I should probably stop strapping my cell phone to my head with duct tape. For health reasons. Plus it’s really difficult to regularly peel tape off your face and also have eyebrows.
Let’s go back to the danger of being distracted. I take that pretty seriously. I don’t text or talk on the phone while driving, however I never thought to apply this concept to when I’m just walking around. Until the day that I committed a crime.
Committed a crime??
That is what I said, but before you freak out, just know that I undid the crime committing. I uncommitted it, because that’s the kind of person I am.
It turns out that using a cell phone doesn’t just make me distracted, but it causes me to commit crimes!
I was on my phone with my Mom because I do that when I have a long walk ahead of me. It’s an easy time to catch up because otherwise it’s just 15 minutes of me walking along trying not to make eye contact with anyone. With a phone, you can virtually do and say ANYTHING and no one can look at you funny because you’re on a phone. You’re immune to awkward glances because you’re busy.
This particular walk took me to CVS because I needed to buy milk for my apartment. Anyway I wasn’t done with this call so I stayed on while I shopped. It’s important to note that this CVS pretty much entirely relies on the Self Check-out system, which is kind of weird, but that’s how they like it I guess. So I had the phone pinned to my ear with my shoulder while I scanned the milk. I scanned my CVS extracare card, bagged my stuff, and walked out.
I almost made it all the way back to my apartment when I had that feeling that I’ve forgotten something really important. MY KEYS! I thought. I checked my purse. Not there. I looked in the CVS bag, and there they were. Relief!
Then I had a worse feeling when I noticed that there was no receipt in the bag, and I knew exactly why I didn’t have one, because I never got one.
Because I never paid for what I bought.
I got distracted and stole from CVS!
I even walked right past the guy that’s supposed to catch shoplifters, and we exchanged friendly waves/smiles as I unwittingly stole stuff.
I’ve never stolen anything in my life, and I immediately felt horrible. I didn’t even do it on purpose, but just the idea that I was capable was frightening. All because of my cell phone.
Which then of course led to the idea, “what ELSE am I capable of while I’m on a phone??” It was all too horrible. So I turned around and walked as fast as I could back to CVS. I went in, got in line and redid the whole process correctly without anyone noticing. The same friendly security guy waved at me again on my way out.
This time it turned out okay, but now I know not to be on my phone when I’m trying to do other things, because who knows what my next crime spree will be.
Probably accidental human trafficking.